The day that was to change my life

February 5th 2008

Shaun couldn’t make my op day, looking back he didn’t even try, and God how I wanted and needed him with me. I can’t describe the desperation of needing to know you will still be loved and accepted as the person you were and still are.

I hadn’t slept all night and on the morning sat staring at my now defunct eye and trying to capture something. I don’t know what exactly, maybe a mental image, or maybe just seeing myself as a whole person, as after my surgery I felt I wouldn’t be. I still cant remember what I was trying to do there, but I remember i sat for a while.

I reported to the ward at 10am, my op was scheduled for 2pm, 4 hours of hell. My mum was with me and never left my side throughout. At times I felt I couldn’t breathe, the panic was setting in.
Lots of texts came through on my phone from friends wishing me well, I tried to smile but couldn’t.
1.45pm, I started the long walk to theatre with a nurse linking my arm and my mum by my side.
It was like walking to the gallows and very strangely the death march was playing in my head……….bizzare eh?
The tears came when I climbed on the trolley, I squeezed my mums hand and didn’t want to leave go. She stroked my face and said ‘I love you and ill be there when you come back’ and turned to go with tears streaming down her face.
I so wanted Shaun………..
Mr Boyce came and painted a huge arrow onto my face above my right eye, at least they would take right one….hopefully.

I returned to the ward about 2 hours later, bit groggy but no immediate pain. I could see my mum, dad and a basket of flowers sent from Shaun.
Once I got over grogginess I sat up and was amazed at how I felt. No pain at all. I did have a nerve block to tackle post op pain but the chronic pain was also gone, I’m sure I would be hit shortly.
The first thing I did was bring my hand up to my face, wow massive padding and bandages, how daft must I look?
BUT……NO PAIN!

The niggles started at 3am, not much but I needed something, the nurse brought 2 paracetamol, which took edge off.
Paul my wonderful friend collected me after lunch to take me home.
I remember him waiting outside in his car, Audi A4 convertible, with top down and music playing, It was a gorgeous day, sun was bright and I didn’t need my shades….yahoo!!
I was still trussed up in my bandages but I didn’t care.
However I did feel a pang of sadness, I was leaving something behind, a part of me lost for good.
We went for a drive along coast road and it was beautiful, have a look see…

That night was sheer hell, the pain was phenomenal, I was eating painkillers every 3 hours, the next 48 hrs were a blur. I couldn’t move my head at all, I felt sick to the stomach, probably as a result of all the pain killers.

As the days went on the pain eased, but I was worried about Shaun, he was distant and didn’t come to see me till 3 days after op.
Something was wrong……….

That Saturday

The day everything fell apart.
4 days post op and Shaun walked out………..
He said he couldn’t cope …..Shock wasn’t the word!
I had to deal with this without him.

The difficult days

The following days I went to pieces, all sorts of emotions running around my head, anger, pain, hurt, disbelief, self pity. But there is a saying….
”What doesn’t break you, will make you!”

My friends and family sure as hell weren’t gonna let it break me that’s for sure!
All I could ever think of was, “who is going to want me now? With a glass eye?”….beautiful huh? “who will I ever let look into my eyes again?”
“How can I ever trust anyone again?”
“How could someone who is supposed to love me do this?”
“What is the point of anything?”

I curled up on kitchen floor, against the fridge and sobbed for hours one night until my son found me and took me to bed, what a mess!

I was angry, I was hurting, I never felt so alone in all my life. But again my pals and family were there and a massive support.

Days went on, I had my dressings removed and I hated what I saw. This was so so God damn hard, I couldn’t look at myself for days.

Crisis

About 2 weeks post op and I was going to hairdressers to get hair done, really needed a boost. Still difficult to look at myself.
Then crisis hit…..my conformer fell out!!!!
Christ what the hell was I gonna do? I couldn’t put it back, I hadn’t seen eye close up, let alone saw what’s behind!!! Help!!
But then sense kicked in and I got my priorities right, hairdressers in an hour and I wasn’t going to miss it.
So I stood in front of mirror for what seemed like hours with my eye shut tight and conformer in hand.
2 voices in my head….one saying ‘h’away, just do it, it can’t be that bad!! And the other saying ‘No I can’t!’
I wished someone was there with me, alone again.
But I took a deep breathe and popped it in…..lots of ooooo’s and aaaaaa’s and oh gods but in it popped nad off I went to hairdressers.
That was day I decided OK ….Im gonna do this.

Meeting Robin

Off to Durham today to meet Robin Brammar my occularist with my mum.

Lovely man, very understanding of my apprehension, Carol there too. I was very emotional, not sure exactly why.
Any way took impression, not nice feeling, not nice to look at either ( Impression pic)
Also started painting of iris, looks fab so far.

Nearly there……….

March 26th

Have to travel to Manchester to see Robin. I could wait till he came to Durham but I could be all done and dusted by then, so there was no question really.
My old friend Max offered to drive me there and back, really kind as I wasn’t feeling up to a 300 mile round trip myself.
I was only going for a first fit, so I felt quite deflated when we started the return journey empty handed.
It was coming on well though, looked good.

April 3rd

This is the day………….. This is it!!! So excited I couldn’t sleep!!.
Max drove me again, I couldn’t get there fast enough.
But I also had other emotions running around my head. What if its not right? What if I don’t like it? I was so scared, this was the day that my appearance will change forever….good or bad, I would have to live with it.
It took Robin a while to get it right, kept popping the eye in and out, altering it here and there. He was staring at my face so intensely, I just wanted to scream “what’s it like?”.Trying to judge from the look on is face if it was good or bad. Ive come to do that a lot lately, searching peoples faces for clues as to how it looks.
It felt really strange, difficult to describe. Very heavy and very cold.
Then he said it “You want to see?”
Panic…..oh Lord I don’t know, should I? I was scared of what my reaction would be in front of him. What if I cried, I sure wanted to cry right then.
Max wasn’t in the room either……………alone again.
This should be happiest day of my life but I was terrified.
I walked up to the mirror with my head down, as if I didn’t want to catch a glimpse, I wanted to get the full impact. I don’t do things by half do I?

I raised my head slowly and gasped!! It was totally amazing. My whole face changed, I was whole again and whats more, I had 2 beautiful blue eyes looking back at me, something I haven’t had in years.
I had a quiet sob to myself and tried to keep my composure.
I called Max in and the look on his face when he walked in was disbelief.
I saw confusion on his face, I panicked. “What is it, what?”
He couldn’t remember which was bad one….YAHOO!!!

I kept looking at it all way home….wow, is that really me? I took photos on my phone and sent them to people, the response was amazing.
I got home and ran to my mums, she cried, we all cried.

I was given back my life that day, but the rollercoaster that took me there was still at the forefront of my mind.

The reaction of everyone has been amazing, My confidence has been boosted and boosted by all the “Wow’s!!!”

But there is one person who pushed my confidence more than anyone else could have.
Throughout the bad days, when I only had conformer in and felt hideous, I met a guy called Stephen. He never treated me any different or over sympathised. Just treated me as Deb.
He sent messages of support on difficult days and gave me many lifts when I was low and scared.
When I got my eye I was a little scared of facing him, I don’t know why, maybe rejection. It was also one of my many fears of having a prosthetic eye, to look into someone’s eyes and let them look into mine. It was like they would be able to see the faults and coldness of that eye.
But the day came and he looked and I looked straight back at him.
Not a flicker!!
No inquisitive stares
No sorrowful looks
No turning away embarrassed.
Just a smile, a smile that came from deep inside, not a show.

I will never forget that feeling that day………..I can do this!
I can face the demons and conquer them, the demons mainly being self doubt and no self belief.
But it’s easy when people are being kind, I had yet to face cruelty.
I thanked him for giving me my confidence back and he said “I didn’t give you it back I just showed you where it was!”
What a guy eh? The world needs more of those.